Cute, Funny

30+ Hilarious Pregnancy Stories That Will Make You Want To Wear Protection

1. When I was newly pregnant, I held my dog and sobbed because I felt bad knowing she’d possibly get less attention once the baby came.

2. Wife wanted McDonald’s pickles. Not Vlasic, not DelMonte, not even Burger King but friggin MCDONALD’S pickles.

So I went to the McD’s down the street and asked to buy like a pound of pickles. Girl said they can’t sell just the pickles, so I said give me 100 hamburgers, extra extra pickles, hold the everything. She goes and gets the manager. I tell him the wife is pregnant and I can’t go back without McDonald’s pickles. He goes in the back, comes out with an unopened tub of pickles and says, “Congratulations. On the house.”

Best McD’s experience ever.

3. When I was pregnant with my first child my husband and I stopped at the store for Krispy Kremes. The creme filled chocolate covered ones. I proceeded to get a bakers dozen and hop back in the car. Driving the 5 minutes home, my husband ate one of my donuts. I full out bawled, snot running and tears almost blinding me as I was driving. Why? Because I wanted to eat all the donuts. When we got home, he proceeded to call my family and best friend and tell them what happened while I sat on the sofa, eating my donuts and crying. I did eat the remaining 12, over 2-3 days and hid them from him so he couldn’t eat anymore.

4. My low point was when I was in Costco and had to throw up immediately. I ran to the nearest garbage can which happened to be close to a lady giving out samples. I was immediately surrounded by people trying to ask if I was okay. I was trying to tell people between heaves that I was just pregnant. To add to my humiliation every time I vomit, I wet myself, so that was fun in front of a ton of strangers. The sample lady was super nice though and told me just to ditch the cart and go. I haven’t been back to Costco since.

5. There were a few times, back in the second trimester (I’m 33 weeks and already nostalgic), when something really funny would happen, or I would see something really funny, etc. and I would start laughing. Then I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. Then I’d start to cry. Then I’d start to hysterically sob and laugh AT THE SAME TIME. All my husband could do was rub my back and help me wait it out and give me tissues. Every time, all I could say was, “This is so confusing, I’m so confused!”

6. I suddenly burp all the time. Just little ones though. Best part is when “servicing” my fiance, I burped and he laughed so hard it ruined the mood….

7. During my last pregnancy, we were living with my BIL. I was so constipated, I only pooped once a week. And when that day came every week, it was bad. Like coke can sized poop that clogged the toilet bad. After a few weeks of this, my husband and his brother made me go outside in the yard to retrieve a poop stick that I would keep in the bathroom to break up the no. 2 after I went. It was so embarrassing but such a necessity.

8. This was about three weeks ago, so 32ish weeks along. I’m sitting here looking up baby stuff on the internet and he’s playing a game. And for some reason, I just got into this terrible, foul mood. No reason at all. So he looks at me and can tell something’s off. I storm into the living room and just start bawling. He comes in: “Baby what did I do, what’s wrong?” and I’m just like, “NOTHING”And he’s like, “No really, tell me, what’s wrong?” and I just blurt out, “LITERALLY NOTHING IS WRONG, MY HORMONES HATE ME.” My husband then proceeds to start laughing, and I then start laugh-crying. Couldn’t figure out which one I wanted to do.

9. I was traveling and lived in this communal housing where you had to share a bath. I kept waking up too late and leaving a urine trail from my room to the bathroom. I decided to go and get a bunch of plastic Tupperware bowls and urinate in there. The only issue was I had to carry them out to the dumpster every morning but I got more hours of sleep not having to race to the bathroom 4 times a night…nope just grab a bowl.

10. Around 25 weeks pregnant I started to get a bigger belly finally and didn’t know how to get comfortable in bed anymore for sleeping. I got into bed and started wrestling with the snoogle body pillow in an attempt to feel normal, but instead burst out crying because I was failing. Husband comes in, tries to help me with snoogle, also can’t figure it out. At this point my hormones are so raging I’m snot crying about the snoogle. Husband in an attempt to make it all better declares the snoogle no longer useful and throws it on the ground for our dogs to claim as their new dog bed. Dog pukes on the snoogle immediately. I then start hysterically laughing while also sobbing. Can’t turn it off. Husband is terrified of me, slowly walks away while I sob and laugh. Thanks hormones!

11. I sneezed at work in a dress and peed myself in front of my coworkers. That was a fun one.

12. When I was in Walmart, I was just about to finish up a huge shopping trip when I was grabbing some Reese’s ice cream, they didn’t have the kind with the chocolate ice cream with pieces of Reese’s peanut butter cups (the kind I NEEDED), they only had the peanut butter ice cream with the cups (the kind that made me nauseous) I was so pissed off and devastated I broke down in the freezer aisle, ended up just leaving the store and left my full cart right there. It took quite a bit of consoling from my SO, he even went on a search through every damn grocery store within 3 towns and brought some home for me, I was so happy I cried again. NOTE: I’m not usually a very emotional person, it takes A LOT to actually make me cry when not pregnant like the death of a close family member or friend and I was almost 9 months pregnant when this story happened.

13. The one that still makes me laugh at myself?

Husband and I used to drive about a half an hour to church every week. So for the first few weeks of spring there were these purple flowers down the median of the highway. Not planted flowers, the little weedy kind that just pop up.

At some point the roads department made their rounds and mowed the median down this long highway. Good lord, did I cry the entire half hour trip down this stretch of road, grieving the entire way for the loss of little purple flowers.

14. I was 8 or 9 months pregnant, and my fiancé had made me a baked potato. But he cut it wrong. I made myself not cry because I knew it was stupid and he was trying. Every single bite of that potato I had to will back tears. Because it was cut wrong.

15. On Mother’s Day, I spent the whole day a ball of rage because people were telling me happy Mother’s Day. I was only 3 months pregnant so I decided I shouldn’t be celebrating it. But fucking assholes insisted on calling or texting me it. Spent most of the day in my room cussing my phone out.

16. I ran over a snake in the road. I ugly cried for 2 hours thinking about his snake family waiting for him to come home and him never showing up. Those poor snake babies. My husband was just like, “What?” which made the snot bubbles intensify.

The kicker: I hate snakes. And they don’t even live in families!

17. I wanted to make french fries… Wanted them so badly!! I put them on the cookie sheet, and put them in the oven… then went about my business… I came back to get them and yeah… I had stuck the cookie sheet in the freezer and not the oven. I cried so hard.

18. Was folding laundry a few weeks in while watching TV. A Cottonelle commercial with the puppies came on and two seconds later I’m on all fours sobbing. I went downstairs and my husband thought something was wrong with the baby. Nope. Laundry and fictional happy puppies just don’t mix for a preggo.

19. Birthday cake Oreos were my downfall. I remember that I had seen a commercial for them and everyone I knew was gushing over how delicious they were. I bought them and hated them! Sobbed about how Oreo had ‘let me down’. I’m sure my husband thought I was insane.

20. My first pregnancy my husband took me to an aquarium. We left one of those shark tunnels and there was another one straight ahead. So I started walking towards it and noticed a woman wearing the same shirt as me. As I walk towards the tunnel I walk right into her and we both do the shift left, shift right dance and I apologize.

Then my husband comes up to me and says, “Honey that’s a mirror.” The worst part is my shirt had words on it and I remember thinking how weird it was that the other woman’s shirt had the words backwards.

21. I was pregnant during the Super Bowl this year and cried like a blubbering idiot at the Budweiser commercial where the Clydesdales save the puppy from a wolf attack.

22. Around 8 months preggo, my husband and I went out to eat at Chili’s. I was famished enough to order something I’d never tried before, but it looked good.

When I got it, I took a bite and it was inedible! Mind you, there was nothing wrong with the dish except that I didn’t like it.

Being as hungry as I was, I imagined having to wait another 10-15 minutes for a new dish, and the tears started welling up. Just at that moment, the waitress came to check on us, and I couldn’t speak, I was so choked up. All I could do was look at my husband, who quickly told the waitress what was wrong. The waitress probably thought I was a battered woman or something, but my husband let me eat his food, so all was right in the world.

23. Was at a baseball game and they announced a local philanthropist had passed away. I didn’t know this person but I cried so hard and everyone was looking at me a little strangely.

24. My boyfriend wanted to make the macaroni and cheese. I accused him of thinking I was incompetent and too stupid to make it myself. I threw a fork at him and went upstairs and cried.

25. I was working with a client at my job and informed them at the beginning of the interaction that I would be taking maternity leave in the fall… Twenty minutes later in the course of the transaction, I made and rectified a small mistake to which the woman chuckled and commented, “Pregnancy brain, oh man I remember that!” Astonished, I looked up at her and asked, “How did you guess I was pregnant?!?!!” That really got her laughing!

26. For Christmas, my sister got a neck massager from her husband because he was tired of rubbing her back. He’s done it ever since her first pregnancy and their oldest is 8 now!

Anyways, it was a long thing that you draped over your neck with arm holes so you could control the pressure by pulling down on it.

I put it on and it works really well, but I start laughing uncontrollably. I’m very ticklish so massages are usually a no go for me – I have no idea why I thought this would be different. I start flailing around and my arm gets stuck in the apparatus while I am laughing and laughing, my husband thinks it’s hilarious so he starts filming me and I can’t get the thing off!

And then I feel the warm trickle and lo and behold – I’ve peed myself in front or my family and my husband is filming the whole thing. And I’m still laughing to the point of tears. I don’t think anyone noticed, though.

27. I am 26 weeks now and a while ago with the change of the seasons starting, my allergies flared up. So one evening I was sitting on my husband’s lap and a sneeze came out of nowhere. I experienced a sneeze and fart at the same time and to top it off I peed on husband’s lap too.

28. An attempted belly toucher annoyed me. I yelled — no, screamed — at her, “Do I look like a fucking petting zoo?” She cried.

29. Would have been about 20ish weeks pregnant at the time. I cried, hardcore cried, because the lunchbox I needed to fill before heading to work was at the top of the fridge. I am not short at all. I could reach it easily. But for some reason I cried so hard. I was 30 minutes late to work that day.

30. Wife dropped a gallon of milk in the rain and the lid popped off, literally crying over split milk.

31. Well at about 14-15 weeks, my hubby and I had just eaten, and by that I mean he ate and I picked at a few things that night. Well we were on our balcony watching this YouTube series we like and we burst out laughing. Then I started coughing. He ran for the bucket and put it in front of me and I projectile vomited everywhere! I also proceeded to soak my pants. I emptied my whole bladder on the chair while vomiting. Then I started bawling! This had happened to me before, but in private. I had been trying to downplay my symptoms at the time. And now here was my misery on display for my hubby. He calmly pulled me outta the chair, helped me out of my clothes, wiped my face off, took out the bucket and ran a bath all the while saying I was amazing and gorgeous and he was so excited for us. This to me was a real bonding moment for us, so while not funny QUITE yet, definitely one of my favorite moments this pregnancy.

32. Locked my toddler and I outside on a 95* day. (That was a freak accident). The baby brain was not remembering the 4 digit code to the lockbox on the side of the house to get us back inside! Ended up having to feed my tot through a window and wait anxiously that he would unlock the door for his idiot Mom.

33. Two days ago I gave my OB the wrong birthday. She asked, and without missing a beat I just rattled off the wrong date. I don’t even know where I got it from?

34. At the end of my last pregnancy I was still suffering with sickness AND a super weak bladder!

Someone walked in on me – head in the toilet and a puddle of wee underneath me crying, “I’M LEAKING EVERYWHERE!!!!”

Hilarious looking back on it but at the time it was a low point

35. Last night I went to my midwife appointment… My appointment is not until Wednesday. It was so embarrassing. TC mark

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