1. How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Add spring water.
2. You know the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
3. What lies on the bottom of the ocean twitching? A nervous wreck.
4. What do you do if you’re getting attacked by a flock of clowns? Go for the juggler.
5. I have a friend that just got out of rehab… he was addicted to the hokey pokey… but he turned himself around… and that’s really what it’s all about!
6. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
7. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire.
8. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
9. My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It’s just heartbreaking knowing he won’t ever finish his sentence.
10. Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.
11. Two hedgehogs approach a zebra crossing. One goes to the other, “If the zebra didn’t make it, what chance do we have?”
12. What washes up on tiny beaches? Micro-waves.
13. What does the green grape tell the purple grape? BREATHE!
14. What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
15. Me: “Did you hear the story of that actress that was stabbed recently?! Reese?”
Me: “No, it was with a knife”
16. My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
17. A limbo champion walked into a bar. He was disqualified.
18. My doctor suspects I’m paranoid. He didn’t actually say it, but I know he’s thinks it.
19. Two antennas got married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great.
20. I went to the doctor with hearing problems.
He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “Homer’s a fat dude, and Marge has blue hair.”
21. Why is justice best served cold? Cause otherwise it’s justwater.
22. A Buddhist monk walks up to hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
23. Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors? If they had 4 doors they would be a chicken sedan.
24. Why was the broom late for work? Because it overswept.
25. What is Beethoven doing right now? Decomposing.
26. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
27. Did you hear about the new camping movie? It was intense.
28. Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
29. Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
30. A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal there is a dog.
It’s a shih tzu.
31. My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
32. Why do ducks have tails? To cover their butt quacks.
33. What’s grey, has four legs and a trunk? A mouse on holiday.
34. What was the pirate movie rated?
Why was it rated R?
Because of all the booty!
35. I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
36. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a trace.
37. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
38. To the man who stole my install disk for Microsoft Office – I will find you, you have my Word.
39. I went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m Tom Jones. Is this common?”
“Well,” he replied, “it’s not unusual.”
40. I invented a new word. Plagiarism.
41. Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they want.
The first whale says really loud and long whale noise.
The second whale says, “Shut up. You’re drunk.”
42. A winds turbine asks another wind turbine: “Are you into music?” The turbine responds with: “I’m a huge metal fan.”
43. Hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was just out standing in his field…
44. Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
45. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
46. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
47. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
48. People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people from Abu Dhabi Doo!
49. Sometimes I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
50. Why did the old man fall into a well? Because he couldn’t see that well.